Nu yu

Each spring I hopefully begin my to-do lists
which always includes some variation of

"have herb garden,
in kitchen?
in window box?"

The ghosts of mint and basil plants past
do not hover over me when I buy a new crop
at the farmer's market.

I want to try again and again
to remember to do something with care
to grow my thumb green
to be the version of myself
that pops up in fantasies
over and over again.

Last day on earth

Every cell in my body has a
last day on earth
then maybe floats somewhere else
past the smog
and ozone layer
and burns up
lovingly
out there somewhere

My, what lovely lungs you have

My, what lovely lungs you have,
pressed up here against my hand.

So what if I made them myself-
or was that you?
Let's call it a joint endeavor.

With every rock of my chair
a new wave of nostalgia
for the present moment
washes over.

Take another breath
and another
and another
and keep going.

Stay at home

Don't make me,
peach boy,
don't make me go back on myself
all doubled over
in doubt.

I want to hold up the others and say
look what they do!
The proof is in the comparisons.

Don't make me eat my pudding
in hiding
Or glare at the keys rattling at the door.
Fair is fair is fair
and we've got decades to ride this wave,
but don't make me be the one to say
first.

Birthday girl

The birthday girl
shared her sweet sixteen,
I think.
The razor wire of the Napanoch prison
wasn't far off.
Inside, streamers and hula hoops.
We worked on our flirtatious antagonism,
if there were boys there,
which I think there were.
Of course,
our hot breath in the winter air,
our whispers held aloft.

Discoveries

He sends his tongue out searching
and crosses his eyes in concentration
what are these feet?
his drool drips
betrayed face after the needle prick
I thought you were looking out for me.

A home on the hill

The fishing line drips
from the winter tree
into the pond
the skaters slide down the hill
near the nook in the woods
which is someone's home.

His back to the world
and pink helmut balanced on his bike,
settled settled,
like us kids in the gravel pit
staking claim,
but his is for keeps.

Another excuse

We've been bracing for
And the sun is out
But the day is too
Dreary

I haven't made the phone calls
I haven't figured out how
To be
Better

Baby love

M
V

Grab at my heart
I've filed your nails today
So I should be safe

I'll ride the train out to the beach
And watch your face as
your toes touch sand for the first time.

Maybe you won't notice.

Shared history

A small huddled masses
Whispering words and phrases
Shaking fists
And wiping eyebrows
Back in the email threads of hope-filled 2009
I could not have thought we'd be gathered
By this little flame 
Trying to comfort ourselves
And each other somehow.

These days

A stone like youHeavy falling slow through the water At deep hole
The beer cans arranged casuallyThe moss molded to the shape Of my butt 
We talked our numbers
and how being wanted 
changes you
(I wouldn't know)

On our walks through this city parkYou always stop at the big fallen tree and ask if I want to put my face againstThe tender green sporesAnd that's the reason I love you so muchEven though I don't like you that muchThese days.

Head in the sand

These dark dark days
Stretching out the long long horizon for years
And wondering how life has gone on
Under a dictator when there's
No clock ticking

Out in the distance

Inauguration

I want to be like Grace Paley,
Marching with baby in tow.

I want to be like my old self,
Jean jacket, fanny pack,
Chanting
(What was that chant again, Emma?
Something like about my neck my back, withdraw from Iraq?)

I don't want Mosi to hear his voice,
so I turn the radio off, 
and put on the McGarrigles

Mama's chicken soup

My mom brings me chicken soup from DeCicco's
Dave brings me Mama's chicken soup from Whole Foods.

Dave bakes a chicken and asks 

should we save the innards to make chicken soup?

Let's not bother, I say

and toss them in the trash.

New languages

I'm learning new languages this year

We don't say frustrated, right ladies?
We're just trying to appreciate the cuddles while the LOs (little ones)  will still let us touch them!
Do you dream feed? do you CIO(cry it out)?
Are you forced to feel guilty either way?

Hey, DS (dear son), does that high pitched scream mean you are delighted?
You need to burp? 
You feel a vague sense of despair?

DH (dear husband), I will try to have the dishes done by the time you get home.
You work so hard all day, for us.
Can you just hold the BOJ (bundle of joy) for a minute so I can pee?

Looking for an escape hatch from antiquity/modernity.
To snow shoe into uncharted territory,
Like swaying to Arthur Russell in the kitchen,
Mosi in my arms

It's a wild
It's a loving you baby
It's a walk in the park
It's a talk in the dark.

Dirty mama

Looking for a shirt that isn't stained to wear to my mommy meet-up.
And pick a v-neck dress to wear 
Given to me by my little sister.
It still has the salvation army smell
Even though I washed it.
I nurse before heading out and,
Despite a strategically placed towel, 
my nipple leaks and stains this dress too,
But I wear it anyway.

Good morning construction site

You'll know it's time when the whole floor shakes
The mugs in the cabinet clink together all on their own 
And you're gently lulled into something like sleep in your queen size vibrating bed

Dog nights

Stella
Duke
Junior
Snoopy
Nike

You single? 
You should date Duke's dad. 
He's not bad looking.

M's first time out past dark.
The air is warm
And he might be overdressed in his red snowsuit,
But how's a mother to know?
And better safe than sorry
Or you'll hear, girl, that baby needs a blanket from any passing stranger.

All awash

In the morning
Your eyes drift to the watercolor I made 
Of your dad and me on the day we found out
You were growing inside me
Back then smaller than your grubby little toe is now.
How far I've come
your toothless grin seems to say.

Mining

There was a throw up taste in my mouth and
A sort of self-loathing that didn't know
If it was put on or not
Swimming in my bloodstream when
The man,
Short and bald I think,
Gave me two dozen roses
Then let me be
On a train headed north.
Back then it was the roses,
Which I later hung all around my dorm room
And kept for many years later,
That made me swell and drift in dreams,
But now it is the fact he wanted nothing from me in return
That feels most remarkable.