carbon love

ok so we know
it all begins with
one, two, three (that’s you)
four etc (others too)

one: held aloft above the rushing
trout stream, birds chirp, bicep
warm: my nose shoulder torso forehead
all fit there

one b, one c, one d, one e
this is how they say it goes

one f, one g…
teacher, shrink, friend, actor,
actual lover here and there

i know the theory.
here’s what i see:

i see my wish to stop
and let the copies copy
one after another onto
your body, your words
your aspect

let them come layer
like dirt becomes rock
heavier and heavier
solid solid solid

though you are a
rainbow
and can never
be mined

january 30 2017 poem

It’s so hard to write poems when I can’t feel my feelings

one year ago this morning someone I loved
last breath with my hand on their shoulder
someone who made someone who made me

shouting things and feeling like we won

in arms on a sofa
in arms in the kitchen

sitting on a bench in a stairwell
where the biennials used to be
wearing a skirt from that era
holding a three month old who held
my fingers in their mouth
our posture like a painting
for the people on their way from 3 to 4 to see,
impersonating living my idea of a perfect life
and feeling…?

shouting and cheering in the plaza
the night warm for this time of year

today i didn’t read the internet for hours
and then when i did i read someone
very intelligent saying that some people should
in fact start to make exit plans and that this is
a rehearsal for a coup and…

what we’re doing on thursday
isn’t a date thought it may look like one

the baby’s not mine

yet history is doing what it appears to be doing?

he was conscripted by the occupying army, was a police officer when the dictator was in charge
got out, got here, spoke so gently to me, died with me there

like syllables in airport names

so carefully incorrect

i recognize myself

in the strangeness

of your impartial

tenderness

eve's morning

the cloudy photos of wet grass, wet murals, wet red fungus

i took yesterday

are no longer accurate

blue blue blue

when it comes to texting:

i don't know what to give you, or when, or

how long this rib might take to heal?

evening

capitalism took me to the dance and anarchy found me a ride home

full moon: when the clouds shift over the greenway 

friend carries a ball of fairy lights, winding them from the wall 

gift of a ride in the rain

here every cupboard has ants
every ants’ city is flooded
each ant route and each ant cave
each ant nursery and factory
ant hospital ant kitchen ant home
how many were there under the ground
and how long did they take to build?

nests

let’s be careful here
there has been a lot of wind and messing
and swollen trees with heads so heavy they fall
and not enough good getting done
a lot of tossing one way then the other
marching along, bluster
as if there’s nothing else I can do

well
the president asked me eight years ago and tonight he asked me again
maybe it’s not so complicated
like everyone else: ready just as I am
“anxious, jealous”
guardians

lace up shoes, love allways

leh… nee… nay…

see hawks' theory of competition:

“strive together not strive against”

how about we?

the contempt you show me for the things I got attention for

“_____’s big night out”

for mispronouncing the name of the musician

for putting too much water in the pan in a drought

“well it is cooking now” I say

now I know how to pronounce a name I like

hmm is this how it feels to be on the other side

of intimacy with someone who likes things just so

what an edge there is to it I never felt this side of it

my edge felt sharp and yours did too?

the hawk coach sees competition thus:

there are holes in life taller than us

the way to build the muscle and tech 

to climb out is to strive to top you

as you struggle to get there by stepping

on me: first one out gets loved...

how many lovers are out there though?

one hole, one glimpse of hair-kissed jaw

love-kindling:

page after page of my

only one love-suit

The storm in my phone
was two minutes' net of rain
and a breeze in the fern trees in the court-box behind the museum stairs.
Art that still sun shines when I'm cloudily watching your every smile at every other:
those shapes colored in with alkyd
in the 60's: pink, periwinkle, a deeper pink, a deeper blue, a yellow.
Make lines with pencil, then cover them with tape.
Then paint.
What's the theme for this year?
The theme for this year is: love him anyway, find a way to love him even still.
Sigh. Is that the theme for this year too?
An alkyd's main advantage is the speed with which they dry
says the screen. I would like to wander through colors with you
and not compete for your eye. I would like to stand in the fog with
you and, oh just be honest, for you to choose me, kiss me, say, yes, you, let's do this.
Well. I would like to stand in the fog with you, on top of the dirt hill, the city is a toy
we could play with and we could do good things too, let's do this, somehow,
and everyone else will you please just stop telling me to "let go."

january 6 threshold

1. denim swatches that are candles
2. four kids in red jackets hiking in sparse snow
3. little girl with gingko leaves in her hair, gazing unsmiling (her parents on either side smiling), yellow gingko leaves frame them all
4. drawing of a christmas tree heavy with snow and animals, old-timey drawing of a vanished time: one with thick snow, with animals
5. an orange owl with pointy ear tufts and chest feathers made of lights on a string
6. menorah candles that are christmas trees
7. curled dreaming cat and a peace dove made of pizzelle swirls

few hours from now crossing over to dry land

for a week of rain

after fourteen months gone

i will be looking for my heart there in the storage boxes

for a sincere voice

Unexpected pleasure:
the ladies room at Port Authority.
Four mirrors in a row, each with a little ledge,
clean enough, and attended, and at each
one of us is going about the business
of organizing our face.
Off of one vehicle, on to the next, in between
for a moment I see how beautiful I am really,
and still, and how fortunate I am, what worlds upon
worlds of privilege to have a face this soft at forty.
The frown crumples on ten minutes later
after I've said no to someone needing something
to eat, the cash in my bag I counted out for the bus,
after paying my rent with xmas presents, yet
yes I could have given a tip to this person, the worried,
wrinkled, short and still gentle man in a red vest
who pointed me to that restroom.

Ten hours later, he's still at his post, and when I give him the dollar, I feel the airs taking on but I'm still glad I gave it. And I wish the women I combed out my curls alongside this morning got the part, got the job, got what they needed, and are safe, now, in this city, or the one we were traveling on to.

Condolulled

crossing the bridge 

dark 6:30pm

the buildings being built

are lit up like paper lanterns

I like seeing the ones without glass

or skin just a stack of cement cubes

threaded with cords so

a lamp on a wire is framed by each empty square

From the bridge i see the shapes of buildings drawn by twinkling stars, 

evenly-spaced and evenly-twinkling, brighter than the lights in the built buildings 
because of their pinpointedness and being open to the air

and i like seeing the ones wrapped up in plastic
so the light mother-of-pearls

Big 2

page on the wall 
sticking out a half-foot.

Stack’s kind of cheerful and rice here’s 

1 Buck.

this year: learn to recognize grace

to stay in its spot

light and wind

and go when it’s gone

even though it means giving up

your shiny warm things

your face on the screen

your knowing this and that always you knowing

pretty things I wish to know?

broken heart: I have something to say!

If it is balming: Yes

If it is bingeing: No

Leaning over the crib trying to reason

No Hugs

I judge my neighbors haven’t seen anyone do it any other way really haven’t you?

You can learn to recognize grace

You cannot choose who carries it 

or when

or how

Well

grace might be a loud thing too

taking it all up

in a mouth 

even

crying it out

this year: learn to recognize grace

to stay with it until you change 

and when that's done 

you've seen grace go