a letter to my parents

dear mom and dad,
sometimes it's hard to believe you created me. i think you get surprised sometimes too
that we're so different.
i have been thinking about this a lot and
i want you to know how your votes have affected me and the people around me.

on election night i went to bed crying.
i had trouble falling asleep
because i was so anxious realizing he might actually win.
i woke up at 3am to someone outside my window
screaming on the sidewalk "Fuck Fuck Fuck" and i started crying all over again
as we checked our phones and saw
it was over.
somehow he won. i woke up again at 6am crying.
i walked the dog and
overheard 2 muslim children crying
as their mother told them
"no one is sending you anywhere."
i cried all morning. i got to work and my coworkers and i looked at each other
 and cried. i looked at my students' faces-- red, puffy, tear streaked.
we sat in circles and talked about our feelings. some were angry, some confused. some apathetic. some asked why our country is so racist. why don't white people care about us?
i heard stories from elementary school teachers
consoling crying 6 year olds and trying to explain
"why the bad guy won"
and i cried some more.

i listened to the news the morning of the inauguration and
as reality began to set in, more tears came.
every day i struggle to get out of bed. i have to tell myself
that i can do something to impact change, that
there's enough of us to stop him.
go to a rally, march all day
keep writing letters
keep signing petitions
keep calling
keep emailing
keep up with social media
keep up with the news
but we're 5 days in and
i already feel defeated and disheartened.
every day i have to talk myself out of just curling up in a ball and crying.
every day i have to convince myself that life is still worth living. and
i don't even if have it that bad. imagine the people who don't have my privilege.
imagine what they're going through.

constant catch-up

she lies in snores on the floor
unaware that the world has changed
does she sense the anxiety?
i sit with my hand on my stomach
knowing it's time to eat but
unable to leave the screen
there's too much happening that can't be ignored
but i read that article that says
i need to ignore some things
and my eyes are permanently bloodshot
and itchy
and hurt
and the headache is moving in
but i can't stop refreshing the screen

poem #21

the 21st day was for marching

and i marched for 5 hours

and my knees ached

and my shoulders tightened

my biceps sore

but i made a sign that morning

and it has no words

but it speaks to me and my experience and what i care about

but it is not the only thing i care about

and the better sign might have been the one that said

there's just too many things to put on this sign

that sign was good

and funny

but mostly so sad

poem #20

i should've written you on the 20th day
but that was a sad, angry day
and 
all i could think of was 
the resistance
and 
poetry felt separate
until i organized my bookshelf 
and 
pulled out
the spoken word revolution
and
poetry of resistance
and
poetry matters
and
and
and

poem #19

the younger, dumber me
made some bad choices
smiling when strange mildly attractive men
hit on me in bodegas or on the train
sometimes i'd let them follow me to bars or music shows
and it never ended well
it wasn't until i found myself locked in a bathroom with one of these men
and the smell of urine
i will never forget
that moment i decided to stop talking to boys in bodegas
and men with bad pickup lines on trains

Beware of Bears

i hear it's pretty hard to stop a bear with a gun
a bearded man in flannel said once
someone should tell Betsy DeVos
maybe just build a fence
and be more careful where we leave our trash
before they come for our schools

That's gay.

i'm the kind of person who worries too much
what adults think of me
but when it comes to students
and seemingly neverending difficult conversations
i find myself screaming
"So I'm gay then!
I guess I'm gay if I support the LGBTQ community!
That must make me gay too!"
and then i regain my composure
to calmly discuss the issues at hand
while a student tries to screen a youtube video about "half men half women"
that argues that people are transgender because of Satan
and another student says i'm trying to censor them because i won't allow them to watch it in my classroom
making more generalizations
until i really shut that homophobic nonsense down.

THE TENS

it just says massager on the box
but he says it's called
TENS
as though that is common knowledge
and i am a silly girl for not calling it that
also when i use it my shoulders scrunch up
and i feel it in my teeth
but it still doesn't feel hard enough
and he only gave it to me so he wouldn't have to give me so many massages
or for nights like these when he's off skiing with the boys
and there's nothing better to do
but lie on my stomach being electrically stimulated by my new
TENS

a poem about scrapbooking

it was about september when i had the idea
and 
december when i was making the finishing touches
then 
january i was still adding more
and 
valentine's day came but it didn't feel right
so 
i kept adding more to the scrapbook of our first year together
then
11 months and 13 days ago i gave it to him
but 
i felt worried it was too soon for a gift like this
and 
not being sure how much longer this would last
but 
wanted him to know i did really care
and 
it surprised me
when 
he flipped through it and kissed me while he cried

ol' blue eyes

it's always strange to me when i see
a man whose eyes match mine
i've never been all that attracted to a blue eyed man
unless he's paul newman but
only when he's in a movie with robert redford
i don't know why

CATS and DOGS

While listening to CATS the musical on vinyl
the dog watches suspiciously each time
the needle moves on its own
Deep sighs as she relaxes
I am coloring  this dog selfie coloring book for adults
That is supposed to make me feel less anxious
then the dog scares the cat
And the cat jumps on my back
drawing blood as she scratches my left shoulder
A blank stare at my scream
before she splays herself out on the kitchen counter
Where she knows she's safe

incident report #2

a night when there's a knock on the door
and the delivery guy already came through
so i already know why they're there
and this time i hate being right
the police at my door
they need my id 
filing a report
not presses charges
because this guy is nice
but i'm nice too
a quick lecture
then they're gone
close the door
and i cry

death by cellphone

back in the days of Marty McFly and Everett Brown
a future was envisioned
where we'd all talk to each other on tv screens
and then the future slowly came
and  it seemed like that idea had tried and failed

but then suddenly there was facetime
and it's ruined everything

the kids talk to their friends in class
indignant when I ask them to step out of the room to finish their call
I didn't ask you to hang up the phone
I just asked you to leave if you're going to use it

the next thing I say is 
lost in screams of AAAHAANAHAHNAAANAANAAH!
so I turn and walk over to the phone
another disengaged student removed from class
don't forget your hoverboard when you go

here lies education parent and mentor of empathy, respect, and accountability
brutally murdered by the latest technology
R.I.P.

poem #10

it's way past my bedtime but
I saw a play tonight
and it was like real life
moments so similar to my own experiences
with family
and a boyfriend who always wants to talk about his dreams
and people always asking about his age
and parents worrying about anything not worth worrying about
and my dad not understanding so much about my life
"why don't you move to the country?"
"what's so great about this shithole of a city?"
"i just want you to date a cowboy and live on a ranch"
and "how many horses will you give me for my daughter"
and "i voted for Trump" because "i hate Hillary more"
and I feel like we're not really living when we're together
it's more like we're going through the motions
and maybe sometimes that's okay with me

Boys Go to Jupiter to Get More Stupider

16 year old girls who still call me miss
want to chat over hot cocoa
tell me
"boys are so stupid!"
and i say
"oh, are they?"
and they say
"You don't know??!"
they tell stories
of buying panties
and younger brothers making jokes
and feminist ideas about utopia
but missing the vocabulary to really talk about that
but I suggest training boys to be the way we want
and they screech
"YESSS!"
and then they go back to class

Mosi

we giggle back and forth
mimicking the noises coming from one another's mouth
you kick your legs
and flail your little arms
a sudden burst of energy
are you looking at me or my shadow?
is that a smile or skepticism?
is that a frown, a deep thought,
or a poop?

snow heart

you started the day with Joni Mitchell on vinyl
while making breakfast
careful not to overcook the eggs
last time it snowed
you played in it like kids again
but this time he's visiting the warmer weather
and you've got nothing better than to do than stay inside
watching the romantic comedy type of shows
that only make you miss him more

white

white means innocence
like the city sidewalks after a snow
when all the grime and shame is covered
and the streets glisten
until our footprints slowly disturb the pristine powder
eventually revealing our sins

poem #5

some people are so focused on the little things
and
the big things slip through their fingers
some people hate that
and 
some people wonder
where have the other people gone?

Today

the day
your chiropractor tries to be your therapist
and your boyfriend worries that you were on a derailed train
the day
you decide it's time to make some changes to your life